Surviving Aggressive People

Introduction from
Surviving Aggressive People

The police brought Janice to detox for the third time in as many weeks. Once again, she’d been arrested for public intoxication. As always, her blood alcohol content was through the roof. And as always, she was angry, erratic, and hostile.

Janice had developed a lengthy history at this detoxification facility—a history that included hostility and violence toward the staff and other clients. She was particularly malicious toward female staffers, whom she held in special contempt. She would typically accost the first female staffer she came across with a litany of curses and threatening gestures. As often as not, the police who brought her to detox would be forced to load her back into the squad car and take her directly to jail until she was able to calm herself.

On this particular day, the first female staffer Janice saw was the supervisor on duty, who happened to be a mild-mannered lady in her late 30’s. As soon as she spotted the supervisor, Janice became like a cornered cat, hissing and spitting threats, and finally ending her tirade with a rather cryptic insult: “you’ve been nothing but a bitch since you got that dye job!”

With that, she started toward the supervisor with fists clenched and teeth bared. Without missing a beat, the sweet, but street-savvy supervisor answered, “you don’t know what you’re talking about Janice! I’ve had this dye job since before I started working here.”

The room erupted in good-natured laughter. Even in her drunken haze, Janice knew that she couldn’t continue her assault in such a jovial atmosphere. She grudgingly smiled, then wandered off to find a snack.

This true story differs only in surface features from the fictional parable of the Samurai’s third son (omitted in this web-intro). In each story, our heroes respond to the earliest signs of aggression, and each deftly steered the interaction toward a nonviolent end. Both felt fear and trepidation, but neither succumbed to panic, and neither resorted to force.

If you’ve never studied violence up-close and personal, the skills used by the Samurai’s son and the detox supervisor may seem a bit esoteric or difficult to develop. In my earliest days of studying verbal de-escalation and violence prevention, these skills seemed to me almost magical—especially given that they were used during times of stress.

But the truth is, very little in this book will be new to you. It may seem new, but it isn’t.
You’ve been around people all your life. The knowledge necessary to understand, predict, and prevent violence already resides in you. We just need to unpack it from the dusty, unused boxes in the corners of your mind and to put it in order, as those who I’ve studied with put that knowledge in order for me. It’s only when we haven’t exercised our knowledge of human behavior that attackers seem to strike, as I so often hear, “out of the blue.” The truth is, violence is almost always preceded by warning signs.

Consider Janice, for example. As she started toward the supervisor, she showed several obvious signs of imminent aggression: aggressive body posture, movement toward the supervisor, changed volume and pitch in her voice, clenched fists, and a furrowed brow. When her physical signals are considered next to her history of violence, it’s obvious that this is a truly dangerous individual. (Warning signs are usually more subtle than Janice’s, but they’re almost always present.)

The supervisor understood how dangerous Janice was, and she knew that she needed to respond quickly.

She had several options at her disposal. She could have tried to intimidate Janice into submission, or asked her staff to intervene. She could have threatened jail time, or for that matter, asked the police to cart her away immediately. She could have even bargained with Janice, bartering privileges for good behavior (rarely a good idea). Yet instead of any of those options she chose to use humor—one of the least obvious alternatives. And it worked like a charm.

Like most of the people I’ve studied, this supervisor had been around enough hostile and violent individuals to develop a sort of sixth-sense about the subject. She understood why people became violent, and she knew how to respond with speed and finesse.

This book offers a soft approach to violence prevention, similar to the approach taken by the supervisor. Here’s what I mean: In the fighting arts, there are hard defenses to an attack, and there are soft defenses. A hard defense to a punch, for instance, might be an explosive forearm block—standing steadfast and meeting force with force, forearm against forearm, to deflect the attack and hurt the attacker.

This type of defense is sometimes necessary—for instance, if one is caught by surprise and has no time for a more thoughtful response. But, as you probably already know, there are drawbacks to this kind of defense: it doesn’t prevent a counter attack, and it’s likely to hurt the defender as much as the attacker.

A soft defense to the same punch might involve ducking quickly aside while parrying the punch—in other words, meeting force with finesse. Getting out of the way helps prevent a counter attack, puts you in a better position in the event of a counter attack, makes escape easier, and doesn’t hurt the defender or the aggressor.

How does this translate to verbal terms? Let’s use an example. Imagine yourself as a bartender charged with the task of cutting off a drunken and obnoxious patron. No more alcohol for him. This person is loud, abusive, and is clearly seeking to impress the crowd. Any challenge you issue will be met with loud, public confrontation.

How do you go about this task without putting yourself and others at risk?

The “hard” approach might be to simply inform the person, in front of his friends and in no uncertain terms, that he’s cut off. A show of force, if you will. There are situations, to be sure, when such a direct approach is entirely appropriate. We’ll be discussing these situations at length. Rest assured, however, that such an approach here is likely be met with a drunken temper-tantrum. The obnoxious patron is bound to escalate to a higher level of aggression. (That’s the main reason why many bars and nightclubs employ bouncers. It takes skill to reason with a drunkard, so in the interest of efficiency the owners have opted for force rather than finesse.)

A soft approach, by comparison, might look like this: You take the drunkard aside, affording him the dignity of privacy. You smile, hand him a non-alcoholic drink, and say, “Hey partner, the drinks will be a little light from now on. This one’s on the house.” You’ve just met force with finesse. While it may not work each and every time, your chances of a smooth interaction have increased exponentially.

I should point out here, if it needs to be said, that this is primarily a book of verbal skills. Some aggressors approach their victims so forcefully, or with such surprise, that words are simply not an option. If ever you find yourself in such a situation—if ever you fear for your life or your safety—your only concern should be to find the quickest escape. Your intuition is your best guide on this matter, and we’ll be discussing that subject at length.

• • •

If you’ve read this far, you may be wondering about me, your diligent author, and how I came to write a book on violence prevention. A sensible question. The answer isn’t glamorous, but here’s my story:

Since childhood, I’ve been fascinated with violence—or more accurately, violence prevention. A combination of things led to this interest. For one, I was a particularly attractive target for bullies, and had to devise methods at an early age to discourage attacks.

Also a prime motivator was our family-owned bar, where I spent my nights and weekends. From the sidelines, I watched my father artfully manage armed robbers, angry bikers, domestic disputes, and various arguments over honor and turf. At an early age I began to understand the causes and dynamics of violence, and more importantly, I learned that a quick mind and skillful tongue can usually avert tragedy.

As an adult, I earned degrees in psychology and communication, where I took a special interest in interpersonal conflict. I’ve also spent 17 years studying the techniques and philosophies of the martial arts, where there is much to learn on the art of de-escalation.

To earn a paycheck over the years, I’ve worked with hostile drunks, violent teens, and very angry customers—and of course, I’ve run my own violence prevention training company. I was also fortunate enough to spend four years as a patrol leader and trainer with the Denver chapter of the Guardian Angels, an unarmed neighborhood citizen safety patrol founded in New York City, 1973. There I was able to work with world-class, street-savvy experts in the art of verbal de-escalation.

The jobs and pastimes I’ve enjoyed have had one thing in common: they gave me the opportunity to watch and learn from those who know how to prevent violent conflict at its earliest stages. This book was written by them. I’m just the messenger.

But enough about me. Let’s talk about you, gentle reader. Let’s talk about how you spend your time, and where violence is most likely to cross your path. The numbers may surprise you.

In 1998, a typical year in America, there were approximately 31.3 million crimes, including 8.1 million crimes of violence. That’s a criminal act for one in every ten Americans, and a violent crime for one in every 34 (this figure doesn’t include homicides, of which there were nearly 17,000). 1

86 percent of violent crimes occurred between the hours of 6:00 AM and midnight (55 percent between 6:00 AM and 6:00 PM). 2 Most crimes (90 percent of rapes and nearly 70 percent of assaults) did not involve a weapon, though most robberies did. 3 Only 17 percent of violent crimes occurred at the home of the victim. 4 The rest happened somewhere outside the home.

We could spend several pages on crime statistics, but here’s the point: violent crimes aren’t confined to dark alleys, and they aren’t the bane of “other people”. And most importantly, those who commit acts of violence very rarely match the stereotype of a gun-totin’, crack-smokin’ maniac.

The truth is, violent acts occur in large numbers, they’re most often committed by people we know, 5 and they happen at the times when we are going about our daily lives—while working, traveling from place to place, shopping, or going about any other daily activity.
Conducting our daily lives puts us within reach of those who would use violence to solve problems. To make matters worse, if you work in or around the public, you become that much more accessible. Our jobs can cause us to interact with many more people than we might normally encounter, thereby increasing the risk that a client or colleague might deem us a suitable target. There are other work-related risks, as well. We may be required to represent an organization to a hostile and unpredictable public, follow predictable routines that criminals can use to their advantage, travel far outside our normal stomping grounds, carry valuables, or make decisions that affect other people’s lives.

Any or all of these aggravating factors, when combined with the inherent risk of leaving the house each day, increase the very real possibility that we may become one of the unfortunate one in 34 who is the victim of violence.

But before we go too far down the path of lamenting crime statistics, let’s take a step back. The intent here is not to cause fright. I only hope to paint a realistic picture of the risk that you and I face. By understanding the risk, we learn how to avoid it, and that’s the entire point of this book. In fact, that’s no less than what you should expect from a book like this: practical, useful techniques for avoiding problems.

Much has been written about violence. Very little of it is useful to you or I, the average person, in those seconds or minutes before violence erupts. I hope this book will help remedy that problem. We’ll be discussing hostility and its warning signs in plain English, and we’ll be discussing preventive measures using equally candid language and examples. Here’s what you can expect:

• First, we’ll cover five simple Ground Rules to follow almost anytime you find yourself confronted by a potential conflict. If you’ve ever noticed that there are some people who seem to draw trouble to them, while others skate through life untouched by the aggressors of the world, these rules will help you understand why.

• Next, we’ll examine the Desperate Aggressor. This individual feels that he or she has run out of options, and is typically using aggression as a last resort. We’ll discuss the motivations, the early warning signs, and how to respond before the situation spins out of control.

• Finally, we’ll discuss the Expert Aggressor. This person is striking out in search of social or material gain at the expense of an innocent soul. In short, he’s a bully; a predator; a run-of-the-mill knucklehead, and dealing with this person can be complex and dangerous. It’s absolutely vital to have early and effective responses at your disposal before you encounter this predator.

We’ll be using plenty of examples and case studies, and we’ll be looking at the process of violence from its earliest stages. With this knowledge in hand, you gain the ability to think on your feet and quickly find the most appropriate solution—or the quickest escape.

I’ve been told that an introduction should describe who the book is for, and what they will gain by reading it. I hope I’ve answered these questions, but if I’ve somehow been nebulous, let me now be specific. This book is written for anyone who has a reason or desire to hone their violence prevention skills. You may have been assigned to read this book, you may have heard about it from a friend, or perhaps you have a personal reason for pursuing the subject. As for what you stand to gain from the time we spend together, I’ve written this book to satisfy one simple purpose. I hope to prevent the statement, “I never saw it coming. He just attacked out of the blue.”