Surviving Aggressive People

Chapter Outline from
Surviving Aggressive People

Part One: The Ground Rules

If you’ve ever wondered why some people seem to attract hostility like a magnet while others seem to repel mistreatment, this section will offer some insight. We begin the book by examining some of the habits of those who rarely experience trouble at the hands of others. This section is a study in those who are experts at creating peace.

1. Establish common ground

This rule holds true for animals and humans alike: we tend not to hurt those who we think are similar to ourselves. In most acts of violence, the aggressor perceives his target not only as different, but sometimes less-than-human. Knowing how to bridge this psychological gap, and knowing how to avoid the common pitfalls, can in itself be enough to avert many hostile encounters.

2. Don’t shame the aggressor

Honor and pride are powerful motivators in human behavior. Where hostility is concerned, the restoration of honor can be more important than life itself. During the early stages of an aggressive encounter it’s remarkably easy to fall prey to any number of mistakes that can leave the aggressor feeling as if he or she has been slighted. Add this accidental insult to the injury or attitude that has led them down the path of aggression in the first place, and you have a truly dangerous individual to reckon with. If, however, you’re able to avoid common mistakes and restore aggressor’s sense of self, you have laid the groundwork for a peaceful resolution.

3. Don’t shame yourself

Equally important to the aggressor’s sense of pride, is the level of confidence that we ourselves carry. One of the first dangers in any hostile encounter is the possibility that the aggressor may think you deserve to be assaulted. As easy as it is to accidentally shame an aggressor, it’s equally easy to inadvertently portray ourselves as deserving no respect. There are some common mistakes that can inflame an already dangerous situation. This section will show you how to avoid them.

4. Choose the destination, be flexible in the path

When stress levels are high, it’s easy to develop tunnel vision, or to allow our minds to float away. What’s needed during the initial stages of aggression is an attentive mind and the ability to choose a goal. We can turn to techniques both ancient and modern in maintaining a sense of stability during times of stress.

5. Listen to your intuition

The first warning in any dangerous situation often comes, not as the result of conscious logical thought, but rather a “gut feeling.” Research has shown that our minds process information on two separate levels: conscious, and preconscious. Preconscious information, or intuition, is no less valid than conscious logic. The conclusions reached by our intuition are much quicker and usually quite sensible. Unfortunately, because intuition speaks to us through feelings and symbols rather than words and images, we are prone to ignore it. Several success stories and a few simple exercises aid the reader in improving his or her willingness to respect intuition.

Part two: Desperate Aggression

6. The desperate aggressor

This book discusses two main types of aggressors: those who choose aggression as a means for profit, and those who turn to hostility because they perceive no other option. The Desperate Aggressor is the latter of the two. Whenever possible, escape is the first and best option. However, when escape is not an option, the verbal skills presented here help calm the Desperate Aggressor and create a safe environment.

7. Early warning signs

A common theme in this book: early detection leads to early response. The sooner you see the train coming, the sooner you can get out of the way. The Desperate Aggressor tends to show unique warning signs early in the process of becoming hostile. If you’re able to detect these warning signs—signs that are often and tragically ignored—you may be able to respond early and prevent a tragedy.

8. Early response: Listening, Empathizing, and providing Options (LEO)

The acronym LEO stands for Listening, Empathizing, and providing Options. This is an overall strategy for helping the Desperate Aggressor, who often feels frustrated and powerless, return to a state of power and personal control. Of course, this is sometimes easier said than done. Each step is discussed at length with hints and tips offered by way of example to guide the reader through the process. Critical phrases help the reader resume progress during stalled or repetitive conversations.

9. What if LEO doesn’t work?

No strategy is foolproof, and LEO is no exception. There are several factors, not the least of which is the aggressor’s state of mind, that may require a larger strategy. With LEO as the foundation, we continue the task of returning a sense of personal power to the Desperate Aggressor so that he or she will not perceive violence as a necessity.

Part three: Expert Aggression

10. The expert aggressor

The Expert Aggressor is the second of our two main types. This person chooses hostility and aggression as a means of profit. He or she chooses aggression voluntarily, not as a last resort. He therefore shows different warning signs than the Desperate Aggressor and must be handled in a different way. As always, escape is the preferable response. When that is not possible, other skills become necessary in order to avoid a violent confrontation.

11. Early warning signs

For those who enter into hostility voluntarily, the warning behaviors can be complex and difficult to detect. We must understand how the Expert Aggressor goes about choosing a victim. There are essentially two steps. First is the search for vulnerability. Second is a type of behavior specific to those who seek to take advantage of others: testing rituals.

12. Testing rituals

Most crimes that involve an Expert Aggressor involve some degree of verbal or non-verbal interaction prior to the assault. It’s during this critical period of interaction that the target has the opportunity to recognize and discourage the attack. Using specific examples, we discuss seven different testing behaviors commonly used by Expert Aggressors.

13. Telltale signs

The examples of the previous chapter go a long way toward decoding the methods of the Expert Aggressor. This chapter completes the picture by presenting the four telltale signs usually visible in a predator who is sizing up his or her prey.

14. Early response: The bottom line

Responding to an Expert Aggressor is a bit different from responding to a Desperate Aggressor. With the latter, we use a strategy of returning the aggressor to a state of personal power and choice. With the Expert Aggressor, however, it is us who must maintain control over our environment and the interaction. Early detection allows us to take control and prevent the conditions necessary for an Expert Aggressor to complete his attack.

Part four: The path to peace

While the two categories of aggressor presented in this book will cover the vast majority of hostile incidents, there are those attacks that don’t fit neatly into a category. Sometimes there is crossover between the two categories, and sometimes an aggressor falls outside the realm of either one. In any case, preventing violence is a three step process: early detection, early response, and recovering after an assault. Each step is reviewed and outlined in this chapter.

Responding to aggression before it turns violent takes strength—not the strength to defeat an opponent, but the mental strength to respond early, safely, and with compassion.

Epilogue: Terrorism and crime rates: the changing face of violence in America

Americans face two grim challenges in the years to come: defeating terrorism, and responding to a cyclical increase in crime and violence. There is hope, though. When we truly understand the process of violence, peace is our reward.

Appendix A: Escape cues

This appendix provides a review and comparison of the warning signs and escape cues of both the Desperate and Expert Aggressor.

Appendix B: Power Phrases

A review of critical phrases and verbal techniques. Also included are phrases to avoid.

Appendix C: Scenario training exercises

Scenario training, or role-playing exercises, have long been a staple training activity of those who must prepare themselves to communicate with potentially violent individuals.
This appendix offers several individual and group exercises, along with guidelines for effective training. Each of the exercises is designed to reinforce the concepts presented in the book.

Notes & References